Six Things That Keep Me Sane

1. new CSA website
2. verbal vomit
3. LifeMates
4. possible movie marathons
5. A&E
6. Spike TV

Today's Reading is... Unspoken.

I'm ill at ease.  That's it.  I've figured it out.  I'm no longer content here, doing nothing.  I want to be somebody to somebody.  Not in a romantic sense, because that's too far out there for me.  I want to be who I can be, not someone who is forced to be.  It's just so... ugh for me.  mmmStiles and I coined a term for it, Limbo on Earth.  I miss you mmmStiles.  (Come home to me, plz? kthxbai.) 

I really need a job, to feel productive.  I love school because I am productive during the school year.  I advance my knowledge; I scurry along to my ultimate educational goal; I talk, interact, learn, grow, explore, and fly free.  When I was younger, my friends always thought I was so odd because I loved being in school.  It wasn't that I hated, disliked, or was somehow adverse to summer because I loved summer.  I'm beginning to think, however, that I liked summer because it not only provided change, but also heralded it.  Sure, summer serves the same purpose now, but I'm different now.  It is not good enough anymore to be care-free.

Sometimes I think I think too much about the future.  My mother read an article in the newspaper about life in 2012.  The article described people fighting for food, struggling to survive.  A person interviewed for the article explained how their family was learning how to live as their grandparents did, raising their own food, making their own soap, etc.  idk, it seems like a lot to me, and I'd be in my mid-20s.  In 2012, I'd be in my second/third year as a medical student (God willing).  The oldest of my siblings will have been out of high school for a year, the next will be graduating, the other two in high school.  Our lives, the lives of my siblings and I, could be difficult.  I'm not complaining (as difficult as that is to believe).  I think we, not just me and my siblings, we-- US citizens, whatever-- are easy.  My life has been given to me, handed over, beautifully wrapped, and I think I'm wasting it. 

I don't know that I'm making much sense, so I'd rather not waste more time or energy into a possibly confusing ramble.

...

I made a morning wake up CD.  I'd like to share its song list with you because I'm sure you'd appreciate the thought I put into song choice and track order. :)

1. Circle of Life -- Lion King soundtrack
2. Shout, parts 1 & 2 -- The Isley Brothers
3. Don -- Miranda
4. Back in Black -- AC/DC
5. Don't Stop Me Now -- Queen
6. Life Is A Highway -- Rascal Flatts
7. You Make Me Feel Like Dancing -- Leo Sayer
8. Everything -- Michael Buble
9. Knock 'Em Out -- Lily Allen
10. Don't Stop Believin' -- Journey
11. Africa -- Toto
12. Feeling Good -- Michael Buble
13. Lonely Teardrops -- Jackie Wilson
14. Smack That -- Akon ft. Eminem
15. Could It Be I'm Falling in Love -- The Spinners
16. Always the Last to Know -- Del Amitri
17. You Keep Me Hanging On -- Diana Ross & the Supremes

If you have the songs, you should try it out.  I think it works wonders for my morale in the morning.  I had to do some small edits to make the CD exactly an hour long (that's how long my alarm goes off in the morning), but I think it was well worth the effort. :)

:::

I think my dad is back from the Spurs v. Lakers game. Spurs lost, most unfortunate for those Texans who think.  I don't know if they are out completely, but I do know that I am *upset* because I am from Texas and I live near SA and my father's family is from SA and I, therefore, am obligated to support the Spurs as my team.  And we lost because some upstarts think that they are it.  Whatever.  They need to think again. 

Geez.

 

oh, and charity starts at home.

--j.cruz

five good things

1. "Que Me Lleven Canciones"
2. daily Mass readings
3. Sarah Connor
4. tea
5. random txt msgs

Love

The Art of Courtly Love

 

I love reading the rules of attraction.  So many books, movies, pieces of artwork, poetry, food dedicated to the so-called rules of love.   No one has them, it, whatev, right, of course.  Hitch, for example, is a movie based on some guy who thinks he has the rules of dating and attraction down.  Not to spoil the movie, but he realizes that there are no rules.  "All is fair in love and war."  Truer words have probably been spoken, but I haven't heard them yet.

I don't know what I'm writing about.

...

I've had these weird dreams since I moved back home.  They're not bad dreams, just they seem to revolve around this dude.  I'm kinda annoyed actually.  I mean, I wouldn't mind dreaming about him because he's a pretty cool guy. 

I don't really know him.

He doesn't do anything in my dreams.  He sits or stands there, watching me and whoever else do whatever we're doing.  He doesn't interact with the other characters in my dreams.  If my dreams were credited, I don't even know that he'd be written in.  But he doesn't act as a walk-on, I'm sure he's paid.

I just wish I knew why my dreams are obsessing over this guy because I'm beginning to think about him while awake, and it is horribly irritating.  *sigh*

:::

I love the new house.  It is old-ish and needs plenty of work, but, for once, we have a house that is large enough to house all of us somewhat comfortably. :)

Los padres me compran una nueva cama.  It is of the early 1900s and came with some fancy bed coverings and pillowcasings.  I like it.

 

j.cruz

Seven Fantabulous Things

1. Opening old backpacks
2. unpacking boxes from senior year
3. getting a new desk
4. finding a job
5. small towns
6. working bicycles
7. making cards and other small gifts

What a Trip!

Guys.

I *just* realized how weird I am.  Like, I thought I understood at least some of it before, but no, actually I was wrong.  You probably were too.  One, I keep the weirdest crap, EVER.  Oh, and I'm glad I did because I wouldn't have had such an aWkWard memory trip to senior year of high school.  I'm really sorta surprised I wasn't on crack or doing weed because I was into some odd stuff, let me tell you.

And you know, it's funny.  I was thinking the other day that I wasn't too nerdy in high school, compared to now.  I had my quirks, duh, but they were all well within the range of normal.  WRONG.  Yeah, sure, now I have this 'geeky'-nerdy thing going-- pretending to understand tech stuff, actually understanding math/computer/gaming jokes, making quasi-intelligent conversations about psychology BS, etc.  But in high school, man, I watched people being pantsed in front on me (aWkWard experience).  I organized people.  I wrote notes to people on Starbursts wrappers.  I kept little plastic bands from different school events, and I can remember feeling very sad that I'd lost two.  I hoarded stickers, esp. shiny star stickers, then passed them out to band members on Friday mornings.  I HAVE AN ARTISTIC MASTERPIECE DRAWN ON ONE OF MY JAZZ PIECES.  I stole a packet with the lyrics to various Spanish songs on it (thank you Sr. Pratt-- you were terrific!).  I don't know if I can really explain the experience...

And yet, I was so involved in band, I don't think I realized how cool other people were.  I was so involved with myself and my issues, I didn't collect more stuff than I did.  [I wonder if I still do that...  Probably. :( ] I can't remember telling people how awesome I thought they were, something I try to do now, and I knew some awesome people.  In fact, I found a note from Josh.  It mentions the first time we met (which I, of course, can't remember), and why he valued me as a friend. 

I haven't spoken to him in ages [a year = ages in Jessica-time].

I'm glad that now I know and can remember the first time I met my friends and acquaintances at Rice.  It was a running joke in HS that my memory sucked [it didn't, btw.  I think my memory was better in HS in many respects, just not for first meetings].

I wish I were more eloquent, so that I could fully convey the experience of reliving memories from >2 years ago.  I wish I show you how it felt to find my HS ring and remember almost losing it at a park.  *sigh*  I guess you'll have your own experience.

...

As promised, the story of that crazy dude on the road.  I'm going to re-tell it as my brother re-told it because he does a better job with the story than I ever could.

Hey, you there?  Walter [fam friend]?  Yeah, man, it was awesome.  We got to witness a police chase. ... No, really! yeah, there were three or four cars chasing this dude.  I think COPS might have been recording it, or something, it was that good.  Yeah, so we were coming back from H-town, Jess was driving, and Mom was behind her.  And we passed a popo, right?  Well, Mom's car passes the popo and his lights turn on, and Jess starts freaking out cuz she thinks he's after her [this is actually an embellishment- I was NOT freaking out, my brother was].  Well, she keeps on going, okay?  And then, this white car, OUT OF NOWHERE, cuts in front of us, and we see things start flying out it! ... No, I'm not lying!  He threw out, like, four, five bottles.  the bottles broke, and something flew out and hit Jessica's windshield.  One of the bottles still had liquor in it, man, cuz it was spraying everywhere. ... Yeah, I know, what a waste!  But no, listen, you're not listening, then the guy threw out a package of pot. ... I know!  I tried convincing them to go back and pick it up.  We couldn't just stop, the police was there.  You don't think that would've been suspicious?  'Course you don't, you're white. 'Kay, talk to you later.

Yes, actually.  That was the entire conversation.  Except that my mother added that she'd also suggested that we go back to pick up the pot.  Ridiculous.

Some chick in Austin was selling pot brownies.  I know because every news show reported it twice in their news reports.  Some kid she sold one to got sick, and that's how she was caught.  Silly girl.

:::

I applied to work at the Best Western in Lockhart today.  I'm excited.  I really want the job.  As we were eating dinner, Walter suggested that I work at this surgery-emergency-medical something or other as an intern during the summer.  Apparently he's got connections, so I should done with the application process pretty soon here. I wouldn't mind working at the place; I've got bills to pay.

I got my dad to fix two of the bikes.  I've had this urge to go out and ride somewhere.  I don't know why.  I haven't ridden a bike in >>ages.  He did it though, and now I have my choice of two very functional bikes.  I think I'll go find a lake or a river or something tomorrow.  It'll be fun.

 

Alright kids.  It's past time to go to sleep.

--j.cruz

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

 

That's all.

--J.Cruz

P.S.  Mexicans celebrate 16 de septiembre more.  Silly Americans.

Home

yes.  finally.  my sister left her pink sweater in my (former) room, and I can't really go back to pick it up.  mother says she doesn't need it.

also, i have this great story from the drive back.  more on that later.