I'm ill at ease. That's it. I've figured it out. I'm no longer content here, doing nothing. I want to be somebody to somebody. Not in a romantic sense, because that's too far out there for me. I want to be who I can be, not someone who is forced to be. It's just so... ugh for me. mmmStiles and I coined a term for it, Limbo on Earth. I miss you mmmStiles. (Come home to me, plz? kthxbai.)
I really need a job, to feel productive. I love school because I am productive during the school year. I advance my knowledge; I scurry along to my ultimate educational goal; I talk, interact, learn, grow, explore, and fly free. When I was younger, my friends always thought I was so odd because I loved being in school. It wasn't that I hated, disliked, or was somehow adverse to summer because I loved summer. I'm beginning to think, however, that I liked summer because it not only provided change, but also heralded it. Sure, summer serves the same purpose now, but I'm different now. It is not good enough anymore to be care-free.
Sometimes I think I think too much about the future. My mother read an article in the newspaper about life in 2012. The article described people fighting for food, struggling to survive. A person interviewed for the article explained how their family was learning how to live as their grandparents did, raising their own food, making their own soap, etc. idk, it seems like a lot to me, and I'd be in my mid-20s. In 2012, I'd be in my second/third year as a medical student (God willing). The oldest of my siblings will have been out of high school for a year, the next will be graduating, the other two in high school. Our lives, the lives of my siblings and I, could be difficult. I'm not complaining (as difficult as that is to believe). I think we, not just me and my siblings, we-- US citizens, whatever-- are easy. My life has been given to me, handed over, beautifully wrapped, and I think I'm wasting it.
I don't know that I'm making much sense, so I'd rather not waste more time or energy into a possibly confusing ramble.
...
I made a morning wake up CD. I'd like to share its song list with you because I'm sure you'd appreciate the thought I put into song choice and track order. :)
- Circle of Life -- Lion King soundtrack
- Shout, parts 1 & 2 -- The Isley Brothers
- Don -- Miranda
- Back in Black -- AC/DC
- Don't Stop Me Now -- Queen
- Life Is A Highway -- Rascal Flatts
- You Make Me Feel Like Dancing -- Leo Sayer
- Everything -- Michael Buble
- Knock 'Em Out -- Lily Allen
- Don't Stop Believin' -- Journey
- Africa -- Toto
- Feeling Good -- Michael Buble
- Lonely Teardrops -- Jackie Wilson
- Smack That -- Akon ft. Eminem
- Could It Be I'm Falling in Love -- The Spinners
- Always the Last to Know -- Del Amitri
- You Keep Me Hanging On -- Diana Ross & the Supremes
If you have the songs, you should try it out. I think it works wonders for my morale in the morning. I had to do some small edits to make the CD exactly an hour long (that's how long my alarm goes off in the morning), but I think it was well worth the effort. :)
:::
I think my dad is back from the Spurs v. Lakers game. Spurs lost, most unfortunate for those Texans who think. I don't know if they are out completely, but I do know that I am *upset* because I am from Texas and I live near SA and my father's family is from SA and I, therefore, am obligated to support the Spurs as my team. And we lost because some upstarts think that they are it. Whatever. They need to think again.
Geez.
oh, and charity starts at home.
--j.cruz
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